my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You ate ashes out of my bong
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
