Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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