Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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