saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
