you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
