just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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