i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
