Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
