I'm gonna have a badass scar
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
