new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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