she was so not down for the gang bang
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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