Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
