Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
