Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Ladies don't puke and tell
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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