So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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