I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
