thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The Olympian is in my bed
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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