last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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