i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
