Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
