Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
The power of my boobs compel you
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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