I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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