Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
