I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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