So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
