matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
