In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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