so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
