There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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