we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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