God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
