One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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