When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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