all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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