On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
