From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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