so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
