i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
