I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
