toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
