I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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