Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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