I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
