it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
