I accidentally had phone sex last night
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
