i already hear my dad disowning me
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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