good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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