i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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