Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
