Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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