she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
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He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
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what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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