You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
