Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
