I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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