Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
