Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
