She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
